I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Randomize
