To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
