I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
Small penises have feelings too.
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
