I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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