I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
