Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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