what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Randomize
