a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
I forgot how hot balto sounded
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Randomize
