You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize
