____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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