Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
