I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
i need some magic done to my vagina
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
Randomize
