you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
Soooo my gf got the droid and doesn't have BBM anymore, I think its over for her
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
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