I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Randomize
