Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Randomize
