my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
That was before I lit my hair on fire
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