I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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