Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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