I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
