I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
