we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
