my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Randomize
