Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Randomize
