There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
Let's create a 16 and pregnant drinking game
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
