she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
