sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
