he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
Randomize
