I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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