Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Randomize
