This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
You took my girl thats shot the Fuck out. You better watch your skinny ass.
That's barely a sentence. Who's your girl? I think you've got the wrong number. I haven't even lived in Alabama for 4 years.
Yeah, I do, I'm sorry. I meant 205 not 256. sorry about that.
Good luck with your revenge in Birmingham.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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