I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Randomize
