After last night, I could never be a politician.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
