my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Randomize
