I can text with my tongue
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
When did angry sex become our thing?
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Randomize