I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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