I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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