I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
