Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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