DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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