Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
