You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Randomize
