I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Boobs are out for the taking
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
