I took shrooms, thc and molly but its okay i'm surrounded by freaks
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Randomize
