My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
