I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Randomize
