i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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