i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
I deserve to be covered in dicks
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
Randomize
