There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
