Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
