The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
Randomize
