I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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