just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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