I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
Someone came in the potted fern
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
