Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Randomize
