I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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