hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
