Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
