jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Randomize
