I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
