My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Randomize
