Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
Randomize
