I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
This is my gift to your gina
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Randomize
