I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Randomize
