Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Randomize
