I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
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