its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Randomize